


Things I, the Paleblood Hunter, Must Remember from Now On. An Advisory List from Gehrman.

by DiomedesofAnima



Category: Bloodborne (Video Game)
Genre: AH KOS, Crack Fic, Eyes, Grant us eyes, OR SOME SAY KOSM, Strong Language, heavy innuendoes all over the place, rules list, things x is no longer allowed to do format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-13 23:08:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14122842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiomedesofAnima/pseuds/DiomedesofAnima
Summary: In keeping with my love of the "Things X Is No Longer Allowed to Do" format, I present the list of rules concerning what the Good Hunter of Yharnam has done, and the rules made necessary by his/her/their McBullshit.GRANT US EYES.





	1. Chapter 1

  1. Bone Marrow Ash is to be liberally applied to the inside of a loaded firearm chamber, not snorted in a line off of Arianna’s leg.
  2. I will cease referring to Gascoigne’s daughters as “natural selection kids”. 
    1. Personally escorting them to Oedon Chapel was definitely something I should have considered.
  3. The Healing Church was not poisoning blood vials with chemicals that induce syphilis. 
    1. We’ve been over this, Church blood causes the Beast Scourge.
    2. No, I cannot contract anemia from blood vials.
    3. No, the Healing Church is not putting chemicals in the Old Blood that “turn the freaking crows gay”.
  4. I will not exclaim that Father Gascoigne ‘cosplays his fursona’ when in battle. 
    1. Likewise, telling Henryk that his son-in-law “yiffed his way to the grave” is NOT a proper way to defuse tension.
  5. No one has heard of this Russia place, no matter how many times I claim that Molotov cocktails come from there.
  6. Gehrman does not have a doll fetish, and I will stop asking immediately.
  7. Despite the bountiful Insight it provides, eating what is likely an Umbilical Cord of the Great Ones is not the first thing I should think to do when finding one. 
    1. Claiming that “it gives me a wacko buzz, man” does not excuse this.
    2. This also only works with the umbilical cords of Great Ones, which is why I am not allowed anywhere near maternity wards anymore.
  8. A proper greeting when facing any hunter is NOT shouting “lemme smash”. 
    1. Being attacked in response is not “kinky fuckery”.
  9. I will not make the messengers send notes to other worlds reading “send nudes”. 
    1. Success in these endeavors does not make it okay.
  10. The Stake Driver is NOT TO BE USED FOR PUTTING UP TENTS IN THE FORBIDDEN WOODS. 
    1. Redacted: It actually works really well and the homeless problem in the woods has been sharply reduced. Carry on.
  11. The Saw Cleaver and Saw Spear are meant for hunting beasts, not “home improvement projects” on the Hunter’s Dream Workshop. 
    1. Gehrman’s note: I’m not sure how you even managed to build stairs in the Workshop, but I’m not laughing.
  12. While it was an impressive attempt, domesticating the Watchdog of the Old Lords is completely inadvisable.
  13. Brainsuckers are not asking for hugs. They are trying to suck my brain out.
  14. The Yig are likewise not asking for hugs. They are trying to suck my brains out. 
    1. Look, if it seems like any form of insect or invertebrate, I should just keep it away from my head from now on.
  15. While the Oedon Chapel Dweller is not asking for hugs, providing such is far more acceptable than pissing in his incense burners.
  16. Despite the disproportionate left arm, no one refers to the Cleric Beast as “Faplord Antlerdick”, especially not in polite conversation.
  17. The Great One residing beneath the Church is named Ebrietas, not “The Good Nun Noodle”.
  18. Just because firearms used by anyone other than a hunter fire slower projectiles is no excuse to play “bullet-time” with them.
  19. While it is Arianna’s profession, I will refrain from asking if she “wants sum fuk” on the night of a hunt.
  20. The cannon is to be used in combat scenarios and NOT THE HUNTER’S DREAM WORKSHOP! 
    1. Especially not during Gehrman’s ‘alone time’.
  21. Gehrman’s ‘alone time’ is when he sits in a corner and cries, not when he “cranks a dusty one in both hands” as I have claimed.
  22. I will refrain from making any statement along the lines of “cracking open an Old One with the boys” when exploring a chalice dungeon.
  23. The School of Mensis does not teach Common Core.
  24. Eileen the Crow does not require a speech coach, and I will stop suggesting it to her.
  25. My being a foreigner does not mean I have to pay any sort of tuition to enter Byrgenwerth, let alone “international fees”.
  26. Just because I wake up at a lantern every time I die is no excuse to “throw corpses at the problem until it makes sense”.
  27. The Orphan of Kos is not up for adoption.
  28. Just because I draw strength from Blood Echoes does not mean the same thing will happen by making a smoothie from the river in the Hunter’s Nightmare. 
    1. Gehrman’s note: what is this blender contraption and how did you even make it?
  29. I am not a vampire, I am a hunter. Similarities in my relationship with blood are disregarded. 
    1. Redacted: with how much work I do for the Vilebloods, I might be a vampire now.
  30. The Threaded Cane is a weapon, not a tool for BDSM. 
    1. The whip being bladed does not make it “more exciting”.
  31. None of us know what Paleblood actually is, and I will stop asking immediately.
  32. The flamesprayer does not generate enough thrust to move anything, including Gehrman’s wheelchair.
  33. Just because Ludwig looks like a horse does not mean that I should try to fit a saddle on him.
  34. Notes which read “try jumping” are not to be excused with “it’s just a prank, bro”. 
    1. Watching people go along with these notes is not an acceptable pastime.
  35. Wearing a farmer’s hat through Central Yharnam and referring to the populace as “this week’s harvest” is in very poor form.
  36. Just because I can run into Djura’s line of fire screaming “witness me” as many times as I like does not change the fact that I am not accomplishing anything.
  37. If the impulse to play an executioner helmet like a drum strikes me, I will politely ask that it be removed from the wearer’s head before doing so. 
    1. Alfred still has a migraine.
  38. Beast Blood Pellets do not function as multivitamins.
  39. Blood Rocks cannot be smoked.
  40. I am hereby forbidden from further inquiry into which objects within Yharnam are psychotropic drugs.
  41. The Augur of Ebrietas has NO INTEREST OF ANY SORT IN [REDACTED]ING MY TENDER [REDACTED]. 
    1. Gehrman’s note: Holy shit, man, why?
  42. The Old Hunter’s Bone is used to mask one’s steps, not as a tent stake. 
    1. We’ve been over this, just use the Stake Driver.
    2. Camping trips in the Forbidden Woods are not something I should actively seek out.
  43. Just because I can strap four Executioner Wheels to a cart and make a ‘murder-mobile’ is no excuse to do so. 
    1. If I do construct such a vehicle, I will abstain from calling it “a blood drive”.
  44. Hosting any sort of Yharnam Blood Donation is a TERRIBLE IDEA.
  45. So is starting a blood vial “needle exchange program”.
  46. Going fishing is not the same as activating the Tonitrus and sticking it in Moonside Lake. 
    1. On the other hand, we now know a lot more about the marine life in that area. Please do not repeat this experiment.
  47. No one cares how much I hate snakes, I am not allowed to burn the Forbidden Woods to the ground. 
    1. Nor am I allowed to secretly stash oil urns in the dream for such a purpose.
  48. Roasting meat over Laurence, First Vicar of the Church, in his sleep is extremely rude. 
    1. Offering him a portion of the meal does not fix this situation.
  49. I will refrain from going after Patches the Spider with a giant shoe. 
    1. Yes, he deserves it, but there’s absolutely no way I can create, weaponize, and effectively wield a shoe of that size.
    2. Redacted: I damn well can and did.
  50. I cannot summon Vicar Amelia. 
    1. Especially not by shouting “Scooby-Doo, where are you?”
  51. Numbing mist is to be applied to my enemies to prevent healing, not poured over my left hand so I can “make it feel like a stranger is [REDACTED] my [REDACTED]”.
  52. I will say nothing of what it takes to pull off a Visceral Attack on a Goliath Pig.
  53. I cannot enlist Darkbeast Paarl to fight in the skeleton war.
  54. Using the Celestial Emmisary’s head as a trampoline, while surprisingly effective, is not a good idea.
  55. Just because the Upper Cathedral Ward, when dark, is “scarier than [REDACTED]” is not an excuse to set the entire building on fire. 
    1. Just because it solves the problem does not mean I should do it.
  56. When inside the Upper Cathedral Ward, I will make sure to keep count of how many werewolves there are before the lights go out.
  57. There is no conceivable reason that giving a golden ring as a peace offering would calm the Shadows of Yharnam down.
  58. Valtr’s confederates are not racist.
  59. If I come across a suspicious beggar asking for directions to a safe haven for people, I will not direct him to the nearest orphanage.
  60. Just because the shoe worked on Patches does not mean it will work on Rom, the Vacuous Spider. 
    1. Redacted: I made a bigger shoe.
  61. The Witches of Hemwick have nothing to do with those of Eastwick. 
    1. The Witches of Hemwick will not brew me any sort of Love Potion Number Nine.
  62. The One Reborn is not weak to antiseptic.
  63. The One Reborn is not to be welcomed with the phrase “the sky had a baby!”
  64. Martyr Logarius is not pulling “some anime bullshit”.
  65. The Amygdala are not spiders, they are gods. Stop trying to use the shoe. 
    1. Gehrman’s note: I SAID STOP USING THE SHOE.
  66. Micolash is not the Russian Santa Claus, whatever that means. 
    1. Micolash is likewise not “the eyeball fairy”.
  67. Mergo’s Wet Nurse is neither a nurse nor wet, and neither of these things should be making me this excited to begin with.
  68. The Moon Presence is most certainly not “a gentle loving lady, ruling the skies with compassion and lunar goodness.”
  69. The Living Failures do not have low self-esteem, nor do I need to counsel them.
  70. The first thing out of my mouth if attacked by Lady Maria SHOULD NOT BE “consider me scared and horny”.
  71. The Plain Doll has requested that I never ask her to shake hands while using the Kos Parasite.




	2. Things I, The Paleblood Hunter, Must Remember From Now On.  An Update to the Advisory List from Gehrman, the First Hunter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, you guys asked for an update, so here it is!

**Note from Gehrman: This really shouldn’t be an ongoing list. Why are you making me write these rules down? Is it too much to ask that you just respect the Hunter’s profession?**

  1. A crotch-mounted Gatling gun is a _TERRIBLE idea_
    1. No one cares how much I think the Powder Kegs are overcompensating, this is not an appropriate response.
  2. The phrase “right meow” does not constitute cultural appropriation from the followers of the Beast’s Embrace covenant.
  3. Look, everyone has tried to get that mask off of Annalise one way or another. It stopped being interesting after the first time I tried punching it open with the Stake Driver. 
    1. This also does not mean I should try using the cannon to get the job done.
  4. Martyr Logarius most certainly does not have a stick up his ass, nor was any similar implement keeping him rooted to his seat at Cainhurst as I have claimed. 
    1. Addendum from Gehrman: Thanks for forcing me to explain the concept of a butt plug to the Plain Doll. It totally wasn’t awkward at all.
  5. Just because everyone else is emptying their health before the Doll in the hidden workshop does not mean I should join in. An awful lot of Hunters are dying this way because they think there’s something special about it.
  6. Notes using the phrases “tight spot ahead”, “it is all thanks to hole”, or “time for thrust” are to be reserved for tactical advice in areas where the danger is relevant to these notes. These notes are not to be used as a beginner’s guide to seduction. 
    1. We’ll ignore the fact that I left most of these notes behind the Goliath Pig in the Yharnam aqueducts.
  7. The Rosmarinus and Flamesprayer are to be used for saturation suppression of enemies, not for repainting the Workshop because “the colors have bad mojo”.
  8. I do not have theme music, and even if I did, I would not be required to hum it while sneaking past my enemies.
  9. We’ve been over this. The Beast Cutter, like the Threaded Cane, is meant as a weapon, not a tool for BDSM. 
    1. We’re going to ignore that one Hunter in the nightmare who screams “harder, daddy” every time he gets hit by the Beast Cutter.
  10. Engaging in coitus with Ariana in the Oedon Cathedral is an act of blasphemy, not “doing my part to ensure the stability of shares in the cock market” as I have claimed.
  11. Introducing Lady Maria to the Plain Doll is not at all an effective way to ease tensions. 
    1. Nor should I tell Lady Maria, especially while she is armed, that Gehrman created the doll specifically to resemble her.
  12. The spinal fluid which coats Shaman Bone Blades does not make for a “healthy palate cleanser between meals” as I have suggested. 
    1. “Powerful hallucinogen” and “palate cleanser” sound nothing alike.
  13. The Crowfeather garb does not give me the ability to fly, and I should cease my testing of this hypothesis.
  14. The Church Pick is not meant for mining bloodstone in the Labyrinth.
  15. “My insatiable drive to give that Amelia booty a good ol’-fashioned dicking” is not a renewable energy resource.
  16. When engaging in conversation with fellow hunters, there are many far more acceptable contributions I can make to the conversation than simply screaming at the top of my lungs. 
    1. To clarify, if Alfred says something along the lines of “Just let me know what piques your interest”, I should probably respond with something other than “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
  17. I will refrain from challenging Lady Maria to a “twerkathon”. 
    1. Addendum from Gehrman: I’ve never seen her stab someone so violently before.
  18. I will refrain from playing the Madaras Whistle as loudly as possible during Gehrman’s “quiet time”, which is distinct from his “alone time” for reasons we do not discuss.
  19. The Whirligig Saw in not meant as an implement for carving dinner, despite what it looks like.
  20. Beast-Blood Pellets ARE NOT TO BE USED AS SUPPOSITORIES!
  21. If I ring the Small Resonant Bell, it is understood that I should help the beckoning Hunter fight monsters, not watch from the sidelines in a toga and laurels whilst demanding that they “entertain their emperor”.
  22. “Forgive me, Father Gascoigne, for I have sinned” and “I’ve been naughty, furry daddy” are NOT INTERCHANGEABLE PHRASES!
  23. Setting the entire Nightmare of Mensis on fire just to get rid of those spiders was a drastic overreaction, and I will stop smuggling live spiders into the dream to prove Gehrman wrong.
  24. There are, contrary to my previous statements, a great deal of situations not improved by saturation firebombing. 
    1. Hunter’s Note: Fuck you, you’re not taking my Molotov stash.
  25. Fire paper and numbing mist are meant as implements of battle, not for shoving down my pants as part of an “IcyHot Challenge”.
  26. The Executioner’s Gloves are not at all approved for use in performing prostate exams, and neither are the ghosts they summon.
  27. The Healing Church is not, and never has been, referred to as “Laurence and his bitches”.
  28. Classes at the college of Byrgenwerth are not dismissed just because Micolash hasn’t shown up to class fifteen minutes after he’s supposed to. 
    1. Classes have not been held at Byrgenwerth in years, and I will stop trying to apply for admittance.
  29. Yharnam, the Pthumerian Queen, is not a MILF.
  30. “If she bleeds, she’s a THOT!” is no justification for attacking Eileen, Adriana, Ariana, or Maria with the Bloodletter.
  31. I did not “study the blade while everyone else was busy guzzling Church blood.”
  32. I will not attempt to ignite a religious war by nailing my essay on “95 Reasons to Worship Lady Maria’s Shredded Abs” to the front door of the Grand Cathedral.
  33. The Powder Keg cannon is not a musical instrument, and I will not write a symphony which uses twenty-five of them at once. 
    1. ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN THOSE CANNONS ARE LOADED!
  34. Dumping oil urns over Darkbeast Paarl does not change his title to “Greased Lightning”.
  35. I am not required to shout “PARKOUR” every time I roll out of the way of an attack.
  36. Blue Elixirs are used to blend in with one’s environment, not to aid in “The Great Panty Raid of Central Yharnam”.
  37. My friends have asked politely several times, and are now begging me to stop claiming that “I was vored hardcore by the Shark Giants”.
  38. I will not challenge the spearmen of the Fishing Hamlet to a caber tossing competition.
  39. Adrienne is requesting brain fluid, which sounds nothing like “sticky nut juice”.
  40. The Living Failures are not, as I have claimed, inspired by people who wield a scythe and “fuck dolls while crying”, and I will refrain from further insulting Gehrman in this manner.
  41. I cannot sacrifice Insight by dunking my head in the messenger bath and screaming at the top of my lungs while submerged.
  42. The Blood-Starved Beast’s back bears no resemblance of any kind to “that old hag back in the Cathedral”.
  43. My ability to resurrect is not any form of “health insurance plan”, and slaughtering beasts does not count towards “meeting my deductible”.
  44. “When I get up there, this cannon is going straight up your ass” is not a phrase understood by the Mensis Brain, and given that it has no discernable posterior, I should probably just stop shouting this.
  45. Simon’s Bowblade is not to be used as a means to win anyone’s hand in marriage, especially the person who the arrow lands in.
  46. I will stop doing shots of absinthe out of the Pthumeru Chalices.
  47. The Blacksky Eye is used to fling meteors, which are not meant as a way to escape socially awkward conversations. 
    1. To the same extent, I will stop climbing to the top of the Cathedral Clock Tower and attempting to summon the moon (“the biggest meteor of all”) to crash into the Church as a way to kill “two problems with one bird”, which is not even the correct phrase.
  48. I will also stop throwing Bone Marrow Ash in my enemies’ faces as a distraction technique.
  49. The Chikage sheath is not “ribbed for her pleasure”.
  50. Using the Kos Parasite to challenge “those fuckers in the Yharnam sewers” to a loogie-hocking contest is a huge waste of time.
  51. Lighting the Fist of Gratia on fire in an attempt to “bring in a new meta” does not work. 
    1. Addendum from Gehrman: What is a meta?
  52. Delayed Molotovs should not be hidden inside Gehrman’s birthday cake as a substitute for candles.
  53. The Golden Ardeo helmet does not grant me “the ancient power of head-smashing your shit sideways”.
  54. I will not strap myself to the spokes of the Logarius Wheel and attempt to ride it by spinning.
  55. The Call Beyond is an exploding star, and loading it into the cannon for “MAXIMUM DAMAGE” is a horrible, HORRIBLE IDEA.
  56. Dual-wielding Beasthunter Saif’s does not mean that “spinning = winning”.
  57. The Winter Lanterns, strangely, are trying to hug me, but this does not mean I should accept the offer in any scenario.
  58. Playing catch with the Nightmare Giants does not work, and it does not “strengthen my spine every time it breaks”.
  59. We have no idea what those slimy cephalopod creatures in the nightmare are, but I can be assured that those tentacles ARE NOT used for that purpose.




End file.
